It's a pastiche of BioWare's RPG sex vending machines – feed enough in and collect your hump from the slot below – but also indicative of SRIV's desire to simplify. There's no convoluted conversational minefield to unlock fade-to-black shagging here, though: almost all of your friends – male, female,å or robot – will immediately agree to a quick fumble. Press E on a crewmate and you can talk to them. I'm still not quite sure how that happened. He talked like Jason Statham huffing a birthday-partyful of helium balloons and loomed out of the screen like a child's drawing of a nightmare. I created a monster, with an ageing wrestler's body, a pencil moustache, and giant buggly eyes, and gave him a cockney voice pitch-shifted to 60%. If you really fancy, you can play as a small white hovering toilet. Or, if you really fancy, you can play as a small white hovering toilet. Or as a him with a her voice, or a her with a him voice, or a her with a her voice pitch-shifted to 100%, or even as a him with Nolan North's voice. But you're also free to play him straight, a man in a suit amid the madness of an imperfect simulation of an already-mad city. I played my hero for laughs, dressing him in a towel, then in Lara Croft hotpants, then as a giant foam hotdog. For the first three hours, simply seeing his face kicked me into fits of giggles. The overweight, hollow-cheeked, elfeared weirdo you see in these screenshots is a product of that. Long ago, PC Gamer developed the concept of 'maximum face': mutants produced by pushing every slider to full. It's even present in the character creation screen. The missile explodes, you fall to earth, and manage to crash through the ceiling of the oval office. Except technically it doesn't do that, either – the game actually starts once you've infiltrated a terrorist base to find a nuclear missile, and clambered up the side of it mid-flight, yanking vital bits of wiring out, as Aerosmith's 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' blares. The game starts with an alien attack on Earth, with you as president of America. Like Saints Row the Third, Saints Row IV is set in the city of Steelport. But I want you to know because they're so joyful, so playful, that they turn this third sequel to an average Grand Theft Auto clone into one of the most fun videogames I've ever played. I won't tell you about all of them because I'll spoil them. And I want you to know about the other hundred-odd moments that physically contorted my real-life face into real-life grins or my real-life mouth into real-life laughs. I want to sit you down, do the voices, and perform a poor recreation of the whole thing.
I want to tell you about the exact section that caused me to crease up. This is the only game I've ever had to pause because I was laughing too much to play.
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